Parents currently share tasks more equitably than previous generations, yet statistics reveal that childcare is still disproportionately carried out by women. Some families assign the majority of child-rearing and/or household responsibilities to one parent, which is OK if it works. Other couples work similar hours and must find out how to divide home responsibilities evenly, but regardless of how the family is constituted, moms are often the “default parent” and household manager.
That implies that moms are primarily concerned with handling the million minor nuances of parenting. Larger tasks, such as feeding, bathing, transporting, and imparting life skills, are basic to divide evenly. But the invisible work—keeping track of routine doctor and dentist appointments, communicating with teachers and caregivers, keeping extended family updated, deciding what clothes to keep and get rid of as kids outgrow them, keeping the family calendar up to date, and so on—is all part of the “mental load” of parenting that moms tend to carry, often without their partners even realizing it.
That’s why one dad’s revelation after experiencing solo parenting has sparked such a strong reaction. Cedric Thompson, Jr., a former NFL player and father of three children, posted a video saying that he didn’t realize his wife was carrying a mental strain until she traveled to visit family in the Philippines for eight days, leaving him home alone with the kids.
“I’ve been a single dad for 8 days because my wife is in the Philippines, and I had no idea it would be so difficult,” he added, cradling a sleeping kid in his arms. He stated that he was prepared for cleaning, carrying children back and forth, unforeseen illness, feeding, and sleeping. “But one thing I was not prepared for was the mental load,” he told me. “I had no idea it felt this way.” Thinking about things that need to be done but haven’t been done or things I need to plan to accomplish drains me so much that I don’t have the energy to care for myself at all.”
This is why fathers need to step into mothers’ shoes once in a while.
“And now that I understand this, I have so much empathy for my wife,” he continued, “and I completely understand what she means by this ‘mental burden’ and how exhausting it is. This has definitely opened my eyes and made me wonder, what else might I be doing? What has been happening that I haven’t seen, and it’s there in front of me? How can I step up in the way that my wife requires instead of doing things that I believe are beneficial?”
I recognize that I cannot always eliminate the mental burden entirely, but I can certainly help alleviate it.
There is a considerable difference between aiding and managing, and when you are the single parent for an extended period of time, you are compelled to assume managerial responsibilities. Eight days isn’t long, but it’s enough to feel like the one who thinks about everything all day. That’s a lot. Thompson stated in the caption, “The never-ending planning, remembering, and arranging is tiring in ways I never realized before. We learn the most important lessons by putting ourselves in others’ shoes, even if only for a short time.
Some people have asked him what he’s been doing while his wife is at home, but it appears that some of them are missing the point. This is an active father and spouse, not a slacker. Even those who wish to and try to share the load equitably aren’t always sure how to help with the default parent’s mental load, which is primarily internal. And attempting to explain everything and figure out how to ask for help with some of it just adds to the workload, not to mention that we don’t always know what we need help with. To get a sense of what could be useful without adding to their workload, step into the default parent’s shoes.
The “mental load” is unseen; therefore, it’s good to have it observed and validated.
Some people chipped in with comments and suggestions for lessening the mental load:
“How can men not grasp their wife’s workload and bandwidth when they sleep next to her and live in the same house? Is it necessary for her to leave the country for him to acknowledge her contributions? Men need to do better. Pro tip: When your wife asks you what she should prepare for supper, she is attempting to share the mental burden with you. So just give her a clear response.”
“I love this…” It’s called affirmation, empathy, and love 🥰. Thank you for sharing this. The realization and verbalization of it lightens the strain. “Sometimes mental heaviness is worse than physical.”
“I really like your writing and how you explained yourself. The ‘mental load’ is the never-ending list that runs through our heads every moment of the day. The constant inner monologue of everything that must be done, the crushing pressure of how to do it all, and the invisible deadline that causes worry when you don’t make it—even if you set those criteria yourself.
The feeling of inadequacy arises when you fail to complete every task. Imagine entering a room, forgetting your purpose, and then becoming overwhelmed when you realize you have 10 more tasks to finish. It’s the anguish of realizing that everything you’ve just cleaned is now dirty again.
It isn’t only about what men do or don’t do; it may also be about the weight of our ideas. But when someone tries to ease that load, even slightly, it means everything.”
“I adore it. But, to answer your question, you take the mental strain off by pretending you have to do it alone, even when she returns. That is why she has a mental load. She thinks she has to do most of it alone, even with your constant “help.” That’s why I despise the word “help.” It indicates that this is entirely her responsibility. You’re doing great, but keep digging deeper. I appreciate your post.”
What precisely does parental “mental load” entail? This is an incomplete list.
Yes, there is a need to delve deeper. As one reader pointed out, “You are operating day-to-day under a structure she put in place,” thus a lot of the mental work had already been done before she departed. And parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, so becoming acquainted with a specific list of “mental load” topics that non-default parents may overlook might be beneficial. Someone sent this useful—if completely daunting—list of some of those items:
Plan teacher presents for the holidays and at the conclusion of the school year. – Obtaining the parent’s contact information for that playdate. – researching, planning, and organizing summer activities and when to sign up for them in January/February. – Finding an in-network pediatric ophthalmologist for an eye appointment. Research a new dentist, schedule your children’s vaccinations, examine their medical records, and plan a well-child appointment. – Investigating, arranging, and budgeting the school and extracurricular schedules in the summer for the autumn and in October for the winter/spring. – dedicating time to being the family historian (researching, budgeting, and scheduling a family photographer twice a year; researching how to choose/purchase outfits for the entire family; selecting and printing any prints; creating and ordering a photo book; organizing photo files; and physically organizing keepsake storage).
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Use activities to teach your children about their heritage. Investigate your family tree. – Create memories and arrange exciting family activities. Book those theater tickets, arrange that museum visit, plan that day trip to hike that waterfall, plan that vacation, book three farm excursions every year, and prepare for holiday festivities. – Audit your household possessions four times every year. What do you have to sell? What do you have to donate? What still needs a better storage system? Research and get the things that will help you stay organized. Follow home organizers on social media. -Check your youngsters’ shoes. How do they fit? Investigate and order/consign new attire. -Trim your children’s nails once a week and cut their hair as needed (or arrange an appointment). -Plan your child’s birthday party two months in advance by researching activities, food, party favors, and décor ideas. Please prepare the invitations and distribute them five weeks in advance. Order cupcakes, decorations, party outfits, and gift wrapping two weeks in advance.
Check in with visitors about their dietary sensitivities, RSVP, and purchase presents. Wrap the gifts, put together the party treats, and snap some adorable photographs of the birthday child in their unique dress one week ahead of time. Pack a bin with party materials such as scissors, wire and cutters, tape, paper products, garbage bags, matches, and so on. – Purchase the tickets to your children’s concert. – Keep your first aid kit filled. – Keep up with weekly school/teacher contact and volunteer at your children’s school. – Back-to-School Shopping. – Holiday planning.
Purchase Halloween costumes at the end of September, and arrange a pumpkin farm day trip. Plan any Halloween gatherings. The weekend before, carve pumpkins. Take photographs that day. Purchase Nutcracker tickets in October/November, arrange gifts, create a budget, and place an order. In November, please research decorating ideas, gather the necessary resources, and create them. Plan and organize Thanksgiving meals with your family. Set holiday decorations and purchase gifts, Christmas attire, and wrapping supplies on Black Friday. Wrap gifts and take the children out individually to select presents for their siblings. Plan vacation trips as a family. Take photos. Create, order, and mail cards. Meal plans. Coordinate with your family.
Purchase Valentine’s Day cards for your children’s class at the end of January. -Talk to your children about safety and abuse prevention 2-6 times a year, in addition to “as needed.” -Read the most recent parenting books, listen to parenting podcasts, and follow parenting accounts on social media. -Plan kids’ craft projects. -Take your children to the library and keep up with their borrowed books. RSVP, order, and wrap birthday gifts for all the children’s parties. Make a pleasant comment in a card about the youngster. -Send thank-you cards after birthdays, the end of school, the conclusion of activities, the holidays, and as required.”
Here you go. This is not a comprehensive list, but it serves as a solid foundation. Thanks, Ced, for reminding us that the more we empathize with others as parents and partners, the better off the family will be.