The best divorce letter ever!

I’m writing to inform you that I’m leaving you for good. Despite being with you for 7 years, I have nothing to show for it. The past two weeks have been unbearable. Your recent actions have been the final straw. When your boss called to say you quit your job, I realized I couldn’t take it anymore. Last week, I went out of my way to make you happy – I got a new haircut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore new silk boxers. However, you barely acknowledged any of it. You devoured your food in minutes and went straight to bed after watching your soaps. You no longer express love, intimacy, or any connection between us as husband and wife. I can only assume you’re either cheating on me or no longer love me. Whatever the case may be, I’m leaving you. Don’t bother looking for me because your sister and I are moving away together to West Virginia. Have a good life.

Your Ex-Husband

Dear Ex-Husband,

Receiving your letter has made my day. It’s true we’ve been married for 7 years, but calling you a good man is far from accurate. I watch my soaps to drown out your constant complaints and negativity. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work. Yes, I noticed your haircut last week, but my first thought was that you resembled a girl. Since my mother taught me not to say anything if I can’t say something nice, I refrained from commenting. As for cooking your favorite meal, you must have confused me with my sister because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. Regarding the silk boxers, I turned away because I noticed the $49.99 price tag was still attached, and I prayed it was a coincidence since my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning.
Despite all this, I still loved you and believed we could work through our issues. That’s why I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica when I won the lottery for 10 million dollars. But when I returned home, you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I suppose. I hope you find the fulfilling life you’re seeking. Just know that my lawyer informed me your letter ensures you won’t get a dime from me. Take care.
Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich and Free
P.S. In case I never mentioned it, my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.